Consumed

For those who have never experienced a miscarriage or had difficulty conceiving, this might be difficult for you to comprehend. I am consumed with worry over this pregnancy. There are so many things that could go wrong. Just wondering if there is a heartbeat, if the baby is growing like it should, if the baby is in the right place, could it be a molar pregnancy, a blighted ovum, ectopic? All these things race through my mind. Life is so fragile! What if I forgot to take my prenatal vitamin? Is my progesterone level okay? Are my numbers doubling?

Needless to say I'm a wreck. Just the unknown makes it so difficult to function. I just want to know that everything is okay, for now. But then there is another side of me that doesn't want to know, that wants to enjoy this pregnancy and doesn't want to know if something is wrong.

I remember with my last miscarriage, finding out more than 2 weeks before my miscarriage that the pregnancy wasn't progressing, and those 2 weeks of hell waiting for the inevitable. Needless to say those were the hardest two weeks of my life. I remember talking to my little one telling it that it was okay to let go.
In a way, if something is wrong not knowing until it happens makes it easier, but at the same time, not knowing is enough to drive a person insane.
It's going to be a long 9 months (hopefully).